And Yet, So What

by Joan Smith

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released June 18, 2014

All songs by Catarina DeRienzo except "Satellite" by Gregory McKillop and "Country Roads" adapted from John Denver's original version for the film "Whisper of the Heart. Backing vocals on DIY by Alecks Fletcher. Backing vocals on Country Roads by Taylor Goodman and Alecks Fletcher. Extraneous percussion/synth on all songs by Taylor Goodman.

Recorded by Taylor Goodman



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Joan Smith Boston, Massachusetts

sad sometimes.

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Track Name: If the Blizzard's in Me
i daydream about getting up
for another cup of coffee,
but i can't.
i know they said to watch out for
when you can't do your own laundry,
and i remember that.
and i know that i quit smoking cause
i ran out of unanswered questions, but
the answers have been getting to me.

i don't have the strength to pick my feet up
or turn the key in the door.
i am melting on the carpet
cause i sure as hell can't more forward.

if the blizzard's outside,
i'll be at the window
if the blizzard's in me, well...

after all this time,
my heart beating against the sheets in my bed
is enough for me
to finally arrive
at this decision to stand up
for myself without saying sorry...

i was frozen for a long time,
standing in the same spot
next to the door that might as well have been locked,
trying to stay as far away from relapse as i could get
thinking it all was my fault
until i saw a mark i had carved in a circle
i'd been round once before,
seeming to say: "this is where i take my leap of faith"

and after all this time,
my heart beating against the sheets in my bed
is enough for me
to finally arrive
at this decision to stand up
for myself without saying sorry.

this second time,
the lump in my throat
will convince me to take my own advice
and get myself out of this house fire burning
up the memories that stop me
when i think i'm ready to let go
Track Name: D.I.Y.
the only road i can find
is the one i'm quickly discovering right now.

i feel so left behind
and like i've got to catch up so quickly
to everyone and everything,
which sounds pretty normal,
but it don't feel that way.
i'm dizzy as i try to find the words to say.

i fell once for a child's voice
telling me to put myself ahead
of everyone around me
just on a guess, just on a guess...

and i didn't think twice
a few too many times,
and i started so early - i started so early.

as the blood rushes to my face
the way i learned to hate,
i struggle to let go.
my body always pulls for this.
i am not up against
the same forces that you are.

i realize it doesn't matter what pen i use
to take all of this down
as long as it comes out.

dear self,
when you close your eyes 'cause you feel broken,
picture yourself in the driver's seat
underneath the summer sun
and fill your empty head
with a truth that's DIY.
i know it's hard to feel empty enough sometimes.

and if the sad, scary story goes:
i should've let myself get held down
when i was too young to know
what was good for myself,
then it's sad 'cause i can still hear my own voice
trying to make the right decision
and it's scary because

i could've fucked everything up for this.

there are some feelings in this world
you can't deny.
like when you know you're gonna marry her
and this is the house you wanna buy.
the pieces i've been picking up
at this point, have all turned to dust.

i wanna reach back in this time
and pull my green and withered soul
out from among the rest of them
and stand up on my own.
i want to close the door behind me.
i've tried to fake this many times.
i need to let go, let go, let go, let go, let go.

i fell once for my own voice
trying to make the right decision.
Track Name: Overhead Lines
if only they'd felt it;
the earth move,
the sun out on a day when
my windows kept the rain in.
they'd have stepped in, pulled small
hands over my eyes...

if only i had felt it myself then,
then maybe i would know
why i stand here undone, in motion
and i'm screwed up,
lost connection sometimes
my heart can't find back home

i can't prove everything
i was there, in a way
but it's blurred round the frame

and i've felt that a lot.
but who messed who up?
my years fuck me up,
my years catch me up...

i didn't know there was a road.
so i never felt lost until i looked
back over the edge

cause i'm always just falling
resolving the tension for anyone
who's ever held my gaze
while i'm away from home.

temporarily not in service
and what you want is to follow this road down
til i know just what you're doing

and i'll stand there and wonder to myself
if it's worth it when we push it
and the midnight never ends up finding us

so here's the place we reach,
riding all this way,
trying not to count the wires.
the sky is lighting up,
and we can see them
dark against a backdrop
is it funny how things end up?

Track Name: Chainsmoker
this is a girl who's been beaten and battered
you're taking advantage
and taking advantage
i gave up my heart for the first time
in oh so long

i didn't want it all but you made me an addict
one time and then two and you're holding my hand and
you stand at the door and it's just like i've had it
cause letting you go's just become such a task

and i feel all these things
and you say all these words
i believe them, i see them
but then it's a mystery
when you're following through on all that you can get
and the taste in my mouth is a stale cigarette

does that make any sense?
when i'm at odds and ends?
like i said, it's been a while
and if i'm cramping your style
i know pain like the back of my hand

so tell me to run
if i'm just what you want because i like to let my feelings get the best of me
and my chest evens out the rest of me - hey

i doubt that i'll run
cause my butterflies and the looks in your eyes when we're sitting alone
it couldn't be that i feel this and you don't

so when you're in transit and all that green drips
out of your lips and courses through your fingertips;
i exist, babe
i exist, babe

i don't understand it, i know you're hot shit but
do i mean enough to you to push past that feeling in your gut?
for whatever reason,
i'm prone to forgiveness

maybe i don't have the guts
to ask you straight up for your heart
but i'm sort of a mess over you, babe
so it hurts when i'm a smoke in a chain.
Track Name: Take Me Home, Country Roads
i dreamed of living alone, but fearless;
secret longing to be courageous.
loneliness kept bottled up inside...
just reveal your brave face,
they'll never know you lied.

country road may lead me home.
know i belong there, down on my own.
destiny calls. motionless eyes stall.
no i can't go,
country road.

no matter how dark the world's inside me,
i'll never stop to show a tear that i shed.
but now i have to walk so fast;
running, sprinting to forget
what is lodged in my head.

country road may lead me home.
know i belong there, down on my own.
destiny calls. motionless eyes stall.
no i can't go,
country road.

country road, la la la la,
you're a good friend i'll never know.
same tomorrow, regret and sorrow,
can't take you home.
country road