Slip Out

from by Joan Smith

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I don’t wanna leave a note. I don’t wanna leave a reason for anyone to say I had any other motivation for leaving besides the mornings I can’t stand up on my own; besides the days that would be coming where I’d run out of prescription medication. // I know I was born with a hole inside of me, but I’ve spent many years fighting with zero anesthetizing so I could become the girl that I saw in my head from the time I was very young. But it seems no matter how many revelations I have while driving down the highway, screaming along to my own voice, I’m still lighting up these cigarettes; still counting out my pennies at the liquor store. // Hey, don’t hold my hand while I’m holding my breath. I was weak in my teen years, but I’m an adult and I can do this myself -- so don’t pull my hair back while I put my knees on the floor in the bathtub. At 21, we’ve gotta know that we have got to suck it up. // The portrait of a girl that wakes so heavy’s nothing special: Looking in the mirror watching the blood dripping out my face, feeling the weight of all the Pabst Blue Ribbon swimming in my insides, stepping on the scale and seeing all the body mass I’ve lost and laughing. // Who watches you open your eyes when they thought they’d seen them for the last time, when you curled up on the rug and cried til no one came home? I guess I should have listened closer when Hayley told me, ‘Someday, baby, someday.’


from Little Wounds, released February 9, 2017



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Joan Smith Boston, Massachusetts

sad sometimes.

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